Toastmaster's Speech

Recently, I've been enrolled to these communication-based classes , Toastmasters. For all those who don't know about this; It's an International organization, to help people develop leadership and speaking skills. So, well since I'm a shy person and have been trying to change that, this is just one of the initiatives. So far, the sessions have only begun, only done with about 3 sessions , spoken all three times; at first as a table topic speaker later as an evaluator and most recently I was assigned the role of one of the prepared speakers; We are supposed to be speaking for about 4-6 minutes regarding any topic,related to yourself or an experience. Anything that will give the crowd a better picture about yourself. I decided to write about how I got into writing, how I got to where I am, since they'd mentioned once telling me I could use my writing experience for my speech. So well, here it is. What I spoke, not exactly word to word, since the knots in my stomach didn't let me do so. Nonetheless, I received the most votes amongst the speakers, which was honestly, pretty unexpected. All I can say is, I'm glad I'm improving somewhere and that, this is at least taking me somewhere, to a better point. Or at least I hope so.




Robert Louis Stevenson once wrote; "You cannot runaway from a weakness, you must sometimes fight it out or perish. And if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?"

Speaking out, stage fright and being shy stand as my major weaknesses. So here I am, trying to fight this out.
I'm sixteen, Not silent and calculating or loud and outspoken, I'm probably somewhere in between.
I love reading, writing, fashion, admiring art, travelling, getting to know more people, blogging, and a million other little things that would probably require lot more time. For, in the list of things I love, comes my favorite show, One Tree Hill. I wouldn't just consider it as one of those shows you watch for entertainment, but its something that I've been inspired from a little to little things, which brings me to a part of a dialogue; "How many moments in life can you point to and say, "THAT'S WHEN IT ALL CHANGED".
          Well, for me..there have been two very significant moments in my life that have changed my life from the views of different angles and shaped me into the person I am today.
         The first time my life ever took a huge turn over was about 8-9 years ago, back in grade 3 when I moved from Jeddah to a new city in India for a rough period of about 6 years. It was a tough start but eventually led on to a beautiful life spent there with a series of occurring jiffs that really did change me little by little. But, leaving that aside, cause the story to that would probably require lot more time than I'm given. I wanted to speak about THE most significant and rather most recent moment to which I can look back and say "THAT'S WHEN IT ALL CHANGED" .
 It's when I moved back to Jeddah, to which I thought as the worst moment back at that time. But, eventually..Now I can say.. It was probably the best decision fate fixed upon. It's funny how much a new city, new people, new surroundings and new chances can do to you.
           So, the beginning year of moving back here proved to be pretty bad for me, or rather sad and depressing. I was away from two of my siblings and had left behind my life and friends. I felt malice to attend my new school, counted days for vacations, felt extremely lost and boredom played an important role during that time, which led my brother to advice me on starting a blog, to pass time and expand my interest in fashion by writing about it. I eventually started writing about fashion and other things that interested me. With time I was learning and at the same time gaining a fresh interest in writing. I discovered it as an infusing way of communication.
       So, well..exactly a year back, during a personal initiative of a school research project to a press;'The Saudi Gazette' I gained the opportunity to write for them. As I was called for the following meeting, I expected other young writers to be there, but to my surprise I was the youngest amongst other journalists and regular writers which instantly gave me the knots in my stomach. But, gradually with every meeting, I was learning, exchanging ideas and stories and was officially one of their freelance writers.
      My first story/article published was in relation to a hi-tech fair at the british international school, followed by ten others, including interviews with people, like one of the first ladies from the chamber of commerce, a creative director from a famous french patisserie, young photographers at an auction,graduating graphic designers,etc.
        However, after a period of roughly 6-7months, with the change in management and rules, freelancing had to stop. But, with this experience, I discovered a passion for writing, learnt A LOT and I'd always say to myself that this probably only happened with the entire sequence of fate bringing me back to this place and eventually letting me espy my inner passion.

Fade Away

"Life is made up of meetings and partings. People come into your life everyday, you say "good morning", you say "good evening", some stay for a few minutes, some stay for a few months, some a year, others a whole lifetime. No matter who it is, you meet and then you part."


The above quote speaks for itself. Story of my life. Story of our lives. Honestly, I'd never thought of this years back. I always felt like people stayed forever. Friendships lasted forever. That nothing would change and everything could be perfect. Like the movies. Well, I was a kid back then and I watched alot of Bollywood too, I suppose. Happy-endings, happy-times, forever together, etc. etc.  But, lets just be realistic now, things can't be like that. They just cant. I've personally never seen it that way.People WILL leave no matter what. It's one of the those things my sister gave me as an advice and I argued with the statement and said, "That's not possible, I'm pretty sure I'll be here forever and I'm going to be friends with these people forever" Next thing I know, I've shifted across the border and everything's changed gradually.


Well, not getting too cynical about this, it's not like people you know now are completely going to isolate you and just not be friends later. But, what I mean is.. everyone's not going to BE THERE. Like, next to you,physically or even emotionally. You might change countries, you might change schools or even people, including ourselves might just change before you even know it. At some point in our lives, we're gonna part ways and our relationships will differ a little, time to time. Fade or just change for the better or worse. Nothing remains the same. Just make the best out of everything I guess.


I tend to get disappointed when my relationships with people change or have faded away. But everyone learns the hard way, nothing lasts forever. Again, I really don't mean it the cynical way. It's basically what I've personally undergone. Change is one of the only things that is constant. Everything changes, fades, dissolve. 

Writing is influential

My friend started his blog and we're new friends but oh well, he's a great writer. Check his blog out HERE.


Writing is influential, so is reading. So are a lot of things. I can't seem to explain how much writing and reading has helped me. More like, writing has turned into one of my those outlets to express myself. Opened my mind through a million little things, learning different perceptions, different worlds. A lot of people don't get it. But well, once you do, It's a beautiful thing. 

“Writing isn’t letters on paper. It’s communication. It’s memory.”

—	Isaac Marion, Warm Bodies

"I love stories. I love reading stories, I love writing stories, I love telling stories, I love how you can pick up a book and be transported to Middle Earth, 19th century London, Narnia, Hogwarts or any other time or place in history. I love how all your worries and cares disappear just by turning a page. I love how characters can become best friends at a time when you have no one else. I love the escape, the chance to be someone else, somewhere else for a little while. It's refreshing. We all need stories."

“Everything in life is writable if you have the imagination and the outgoing guts to do it.”

—	Sylvia Plath

'Bête Noire' or Fear itself.

Fear, defined as  "A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger,evil,pain,etc. Whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid."


I assume everyone's experienced fear at some point in their lives. Most of us probably live with fear everyday. Unknowingly or Knowingly. It's one of those natural emotions I guess; Fear of heights, Fear of water, Fear of Death, Fear of God, Fear of love, Fear of losing someone, Fear of swimming, etc,etc.


I intensely live with the fear of expressing myself in front of new people or even just a crowd. Also termed as 'Stage Fright' or just being shy for the simple.
   I tend to chicken out, panic or just go through this rush of feelings when I'm supposed to be speaking in front of a crowd or to be making conversation with a group of people. I unknowingly get shy, self conscious;more like sheepish when i'm with people I'm not yet comfortable with. I take a lot of time to open up, to express myself the way I want to. And did I mention of how much this bothers me?
    I envy the people who are able to make great conversations around a group of people, joke around without a pinch of coyness, talk confidently, argue when they know they're right, speak their mind out, speak in front of a crowd to express their thoughts, Oh, how much I envy people like that!


"You see something scary, you should stand up and step toward it, not away from it. Instinctively, Reflexively, in a ranging fury." -Lee Child (Echo Burning)


I can talk a lot, with people I know, I can be completely hyper with the people I'm used to. But, I'm too tired of not being able to speak out in public; with the act of speech, talk, conversations, communication. And, it's not that I haven't been on stage or been a part of speeches. As a matter of fact, I have been on stage a couple of times with shaking legs and a racing heart. I've spoken before the mic many times; not for debates as such, but for simple speeches and presentations and have experienced interviewing people holding a much higher post than me. But yet, the fear wont go away. I get awfully scared and nervous when  asked to speak on something in front of a crowd or if I'm just supposed to be talking to a group of people, being how I should be. I yet don't voice my opinion when needed or speak out. I yet wont fight back, I yet cant express myself the way I should be, completely.


Once, a friend of mine tells me ; "You're just so worried about people's judgements" And it stroke me then, maybe I am worried about that, maybe I do care too much, not exactly knowingly, but unknowingly. Worried about what people will think, talk, say, etc,etc.
   Call it weakness or fear. I'd say its a portion of both. I'm trying and I will continue to until I overcome this aversion, overcome stage fright, overcome this shyness, this meekness; cause once Lucas Scott's voice cover said; "Robert Louis Stevenson once wrote;'You cannot run away from a weakness;you must sometimes fight it out or perish. And if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?"


I'm trying to fight this out.

They'll judge it like they know about me and you.

Silence was taking over, past midnight. Our arms were clasped into each other, sharing a long hug. I tiptoed to fill the gap between our heights, but the inner vibrations from filling the gap and from the beats of a racing heart, he bent down instead. But, well the tiptoeing is cute I suppose.
       It was just a 'hug' but, sometimes little things mean much, feel much. Silence hadn't felt so alluring in a long time and if a star above the midnight sky would grant me a wish, I'd wish for this to last. Wish nothing came in between of us this time, wish nothing would go wrong this time although I know there could be a million little things that could. And foremost,I'd wish for this little bond to stretch its elastics to a never ending one.
       I don't know what this was, it had its perfect moments but was yet imperfect in every way. Although I like imperfect, this was different. I don't exactly know what this was, but I'd say I liked it in a way. The moment had to end,  but well, I'd play it over and over again until the mind begs me to stop. 

       In a typical case, this could mean 'something', but in our case, I was almost sure this wasn't 'something'. This was me and him. Something that hadn't worked out over the past times. Something that broke too easily. Something that shouldn't be looked back upon. Something that shouldn't be given any chances anymore. But yet, with the feeling of hope, I hanker to myself aimlessly, that sometime it will, not soon, but well, someday. Who knows?


My kryptonite, my weakness. 
Something I should be quite over by now. 

Apart from the daily chronic

We're sitting in class, while the hallway is breathing silence with a phone ring interrupting the quietness once a while. It's quiet, not like the usual days. It's peaceful, after a long time. I like the idea of free classes, it means we could do anything, without being restricted to one subject, one lesson, one book. I have this strange liking towards these times, these moments. Bored, but peaceful. You're sitting in the silence, as a little of life goes on around. Life's beautiful like that in a way, A weird way, but still nice. Something that occurs only once a while, it's not the daily routine and I like being apart from the daily routine once a while.
       No teacher running her mouth, trying to explain to us the numbers, definitions, etc. No doubts of confused students, no watching over the time to when the class would finish, no interrupting thoughts as the lecture is still on. You're just there, everyone's involved in their work, silently or in little whispers here and there,voices of footsteps at the hallway and echoes of soft voices from teachers across the staff room. I'm free to myself, in class, with no intention of really studying anything, no restrictions to what you're supposed to be thinking, writing or reading and that's what makes me write this. 
      I like this once a while, being apart from the daily routine, experiencing a day at school that's not very typical or classes that are not typical, for that matter.
     A senior enters our class, "Why is this class so dead and quiet suddenly? bring some life" No one really answered, I'd say we all were a little too involved in the progress of our thoughts and the life that lies inside of them. A classmate reminds us of only 3 minutes remaining for the next class, another girl wakes up from her dreams, a chair falls, the bell rings, there's noise again. The normal routine is settling in again and I have to make my way to math class, whining about how much I hate math classes, I collect my books and walk straight to class. The moment's over. We're back to the typical routine. The daily chronic has knocked in again. Sigh. 

The thoughts of my lost mind

It's like I'm moving, but with no direction, you know? Like, I'm living everyday just like any other, with not so much on my mind, clouded thoughts and mixed feelings.


I start to wonder, What am I doing? What's my purpose? And I seem to be so lost in the search of its answer.
Sometimes, I begin to wonder where I'd been for so long? Did I lose trace somewhere or is this just some bizarre dream? Nothing and A lot goes through my mind, past and future concerns, while the present makes its way through the passage of today. I feel like I've lost inspiration somewhere. The inspiration that once was there, where did that go? I feel like a there's something missing, like a place waiting to be filled, like a picture waiting to be painted or an empty book waiting to be written.


Maybe Its a phase, a mood or just life like this. I'll just figure it out on my way, along the mysteries that surround.

A musical connection

I love how music can make you feel; feel  like a particular moment. You know when you listen to a song after a long time, feeling the same way you felt when you first heard it? Or reminding you of the time you heard that song earlier, on a passing moment, just simply bringing back memories of the past. Flashbacks.


During my summer in the states, the radio would constantly blow up with GIVE ME EVERYTHING TONIGHT, That song would play almost all the time. During our night drive from Boston to Bloomfield or our long ride to Florida, listening to the song now gives me the flashbacks of the moments spent there. The drive, the little conversations and passing sights. The cold the night got as we let ourselves free at the Boston Harbors walking fountain and how we longed for warmth the entire ride back home. Clinging to all the warmth we could find, continuously listening to the radio, passing by cars and falling asleep as the music continues and cars pass by. 

Where Rainbows End; by Cecelia Ahern, by favorite book yet. That book has everything I could ever wish for in a book. While reading it; about a year ago or so; I would have my earphones plugged on listening to the songs from Taylor Swift's latest album then; Speak Now. While flipping through pages, the songs would change ever three to four minutes, somehow managing to almost collide with the story in the perfect lines of the song.


 Long live the walls we crashed through; while the kingdom lights shined just for me and you; I was screaming long live all the magic we made..


 That's why every time I listen to some of those songs, it takes me back, back to when I was reading that book, back to that story in those pages, back to where rainbows end, back to how enlightened I was reading that book. Or when it takes me back to one of the best parties; the music, the dance; the people, the surrounding and that time. How very beautiful.
    
There's actually something really special about songs; and moments that they encounter. No matter how long its been, I'll never forget the moment when someone I fancy would sing a particular song continuously; instantly that song plays; the face appears to my mind; thoughts revolve.




I'm tryin' to forget; but I'm addicted to you, but I wanted and I needed I'm addicted to you..

" Music is a total constant. That's why we have such a strong visceral connection to it, you know? Because a song can take you back instantly to a moment, or a place or even a person. No matter what else has changed in you or the world, that one song stays the same, just like that moment."


The similar way I feel about photographs. Those are the kind of things that will never change. Just remain like that, untouched in a way. In a way, that they make us relive memories. Listen, Look and smile. Smile at how it felt then, smile at how time flew, laugh at the jokes told then, laugh at how you were then. Some are the memories of pain and some of laughter. Bittersweet memories.

The lights and the people. The city.

It took us almost an hour from Long Island to Manhattan. From the car, a couple of areas resembled the life and structure of Mumbai. The people walking in constant speed and direction, the lights, the garbage on the roadside and the entire life around made me wanna say "Hey, this looks just like Bombay"
     
We first stopped by at Rockefeller Center, a place dedicated to one of the richest man in the olden times of america. The place was pleasant. Huge and thronged with tourists, each one of them taking photos and chirping with their giggles, the surrounding was a happy one, but I really wished my brother was there too. The place centered around cafes and shops and an immense fountain, with the sound of water falling.

     Later, driving through Times Square, the place everyone talks about. We were there, finally. The place was literally displaced by a surge of people walking all around. I was quite amazed by the life around, it was actually pleasing. I liked it. Tall buildings, illuminated lights and a crazy storm of people. Yes, this was, exactly what the city was all about.


     We walked out of the car, walked through the busy streets. I was completely in love with it already. We kept moving forward, taking snapshots of our passing memories. We went through a couple of places,  from the Disney store to  The Broadway, which was flooded with uncountable number of people. It was almost 12 am, but the atmosphere around, felt like it was yet an early hour of the night. After an hour so, we kept walking, towards the car again.

     Walking through the streets, some people were walking alone, others gathered in twos, threes and groups. Sights of varied nationalities including a lot of Asians. Sounds of combined languages, some familiar, some not understandable at all. It was rich and alive, bursting at the seams with colour, light and sound. People were flowing here, there, everywhere.


      We stopped by 'The Halal Guys' , a group of Lebanese guys with some amazing food by the fountain. Witnessed drunkards and whores. A guy rapping, on an attempt to entertain the crowd in the long awaited  Que by the Halal guys. Cute guys, gentlemen, students, families and beggars. It was like the whole world in one place. It's funny, how we all belong to different nationalities and cultures. At first, we appear to be so different from one another. But yet, we commonly share the same ties of bonds, the same emotions, everyday of our lives. It's like we're all connected in some way or the other. No matter what nation, culture, religion, all seem to share the same strings of life. 

        
    

Books are like magic.

"I believe in the magic of books. I believe that during certain periods in our life we are drawn to particular books-whether its strolling down the aisles of a bookshop with no idea whatsoever of what it is that we want to read and suddenly finding the most perfect , most wonderfully suitable book staring at us right in the face. Or a chance meeting with a stranger or friend who recommends a book we would never originally reach for. Books have the ability to find their own way into our lives.."
                                                    -Cecelia Ahern


You know why I love this lady? Because she speaks my thoughts. Because almost all books she's written takes me to another world. Wait, that happens almost with every book I read but she's one of the writers who I'd love to meet and talk with. She's one of my favorite's and then then there are 2-3 who come under that list too.


                                       
I love how books can inspire you so much, I love how just one story can take you to another world and make you learn so much from it. I love how they can teach you things you had never learnt earlier. Sometimes, I feel like I've learned way from these novels than school. I don't like books with too much fiction or too much romance. I don't like books that involve a lot of supernatural stuff. I don't like books that include way too much romance or old boring high school drama. I don't like books that include too much science. I don't like books that are about murders and finding out this clue to the next..


I love books that speak to you. I love books that are realistic, books that you could relate to. Books that bring out the best in everything, from drama to suspense, to romance. All in one, you know?  I love the kind of books that won't always have a typical ending.I love books that surprise me with the enchantment they hold in those pages.
Right now, I really really need to buy a few Sarah Dessen books, I've read about her and her books and I really think I'd love her books. Can't wait to buy them. Also, if anyone could suggest a few books that I may like, please  let me know.

P.S : I have this fantasy of going to Ireland and all the more, after reading Cecelia Ahern books, her stories always take place in Ireland. Also,Ireland is known for it's writers . I have this feeling that, the place must be so inspiring, I really wanna go there. Someday. Psst, the Irish accent is SO HOT.